WoRLd oF mY oWn, My LiFe

Many things happen this week. Life is like a box of chocolate, u never know what happen next. My head is goin to burst soon… 1st is because of a society. I’m getting pissed off dy. I really can’t tahan. This is about reputation…I admit I’m soft but i doesn’t mean u can bully me or do whatever u want. Nobody see me angry b4 becoz my mum alwiz tells me to be patient and I will get headache when I get angry. haiz… But it’s too over now and I’m getting really angry. Dun make me scold ppl…coz I hate to do so. I’m goin to burst soon…The other problem is family problem. Dun wanna talk much…I will nvr let go those who hv did this and make our life miserable. Pray that everything will be over. * Headache*

"I guess I’ll never know,

Why things couldn’t go my way"

Assignments and presentations is heading towards me. Haiz… Well, if Im not late that day, I wont be having presentation. I even chose the toughest question to present..I muz be sick that time. haha…Nvm la, take it as a challenge moreover it’s good for me wad. Well, hv my dinner at Bukit Tambun juz now. Enjoying those seafood that my dad order. It’s his b’day. Happy Birthday to him…I know what he wants for his present. My good results will be his presents but I failed. I can’t promise him anything as once I hv promised, I hv to do it. I juz can only promise that I will try my best. In the car, he told us about his customer’s daughter who scored straight As…and here he goes again. Comparing again…I really want to tell him my opinion…my feelings but what’s d point? It’s useless. Im really tired of this. I hope one day, he can read my blog… Well, currently doin assignment…hope to finish it soon.

Yesterday I juz update my blog by saying Im feeling better but it’s all opposite now. My results are out and I knew my GPA dy…It’s damn terrible…DAMN WORSE…worse than I could ever imagine. When my dad told me about the results, I still couldn’t believe I did that bad. Then he came back and let me see it. I keep on telling myself…Is this my results? Am I dreaming? What a drastic drop!!! Tears rolling down again… I can’t even score an A for english. 1st time in my life, I can’t score an A for english in major exams. I still remember how happy I was during sem 2 when my dad called and inform me about my sem 1 results. Tat time I was so happy that I got 3.0 sumthing for my GPA. Everyone tells me to keep up the good work. But look at me now!!! I dun think I’m getting better dy but worse…Many ppl hv wonder whether I got study after knowing my GPA. What I say is oso useless dy..How many times I hv to say that I really study hard but nobody will trust me? Everyone console me to forget the past. It’s easy to say but when comes to face and do it…It’s difficult.. To me, life is meaningless now.. Wish sumone can kill me now..Im really frustrated,angry,sad,disappointed and so on..I dunno wat am I thinking and doing now? I juz wish I could scream now…Scream as loud as I can where I can only listen to myself. Leave me alone…I HATE MYSELF!!!!!

I HATE myself for not being tough…

I HATE myself for disappointing everyone…

I HATE myself for alwiz giving up…

I HATE myself for alwiz failing and nvr succeed…

I really HATE myself…

Nowadays, I’m feeling better…Although I will still feel sad whenever I think back but I told myself I will stand up and look forward. Giving myself a chance… I hope I’m tough enough to continue this journey of my life. Thankx to all my frenz n lecturers. Erm..sorry if i make u guys worry about me. It takes quite a long time for me to recover…I think I waste a lot of ppl’s time and money(sms) for consoling or even encourage me. *Paiseh* Anyway, I really appreciate it. Thx a lot… The lyrics below is very meaningful ya!! Like it very much.

Little Faith Brightens A Rainy Day
Life Is Difficult; You Can’t Go Away
Don’t Hide Yourselve In The Corner
You Have My Place To Stay

Sorrow Is Gonna Say Goodbye
Opens Up You’ll See The Happy Sunshine
Keep Going On With Your Dream
Chasing Tomorrow’s Sunrise
The Spirit Can Never Die

Sun Will Shine, My Friend
Won’t Let You Cry, My Dear
Seeing You Shed A Tear
Make My World Disappear
You’ll Never Be Alone In Darkness

See My Smile, My Friend
We Are With You, Holding Hands
You Have Got To Believe, You Are My Destiny
We’re Meant To Be Your Friends
That’s What A Friend Should Be

I really dun want to fail. It’s not what I want!!! Y can’t they understand me? I’m a human too…I’m not perfect…I really did my BEST. Can someone understand that I really work hard? I dislike the feeling of being looking down. I feel hurt when being accused I dun study. I dun like that kind of feeling. No matter how I explain, it’s still d same. I had enough of failures…I really had enough…(since childhood). When I enter college, I tell myself this is my new life, new beginning…I won’t fall this time…I will succeed but I failed again. I really want to be strong, be tough but at the end I still fall. Everytime when I’m ready to start a new day or stand up, something will pull me down and I falled. When I looked back at my sem 1 results, I broke down again. I juz can’t accept that I failed again. Failed means I failed everything include my life. What is the feeling of being succeed? I really want to know… How much longer can I hold till the end? My life is not only in God’s hands but also in my hands…

Semester 3 suppose to be a new beginning 4 me where happiness accompany me through this whole semester. At 1st, I was really happy and enjoying myself all the way…untill on Thursday, which is my Results Day. The night b4 is really scary, Im really nervous but I keep on telling myself, I will pass…I muz hv faith on myself. When I reached Block A, I really wish my name will be on the pass list but I couldn’t see my name. My name is not on d pass list. Once I din see my name, I broke down into tears…Im lying down on a fren’s shoulder…Thx 4 lending me ur shoulder. I cry non-stop…banging here and there to express my feelings. She console me with the msg below : Life Is Full Of Uncertainties. One Minute, We Pass All, One Minute We Fall Hard. But, That Does Not Matter At All. Everyone Will Sure Have Fallen N Fail Before. Even Myself, I’ve Fall Really Hard Which Has Taken Much Of My Time To Stand Up Again. Failing Once Doesn’t Mean That We R Going To FAIL Forever.. Failing Or Falling Doesn’t Mean That We Are Weak… Passing Or Succeeding In Life Also Doesn’t Represent A Person Is Strong. One Person Is Strongest When He/She Who Falls Finds The Courage To Stand Up Again. Remember What I Say? God Gives Strength To The Weak… In Due Time According To His Timing, You Will Soar Again Like An Eagle In The Sky. You R Never An Failure. Endure Trials Patiently 4 U Will Win Again. Trust Me… You Can Do It. God’s Grace Will Be Sufficient For You. And Whatever You Do, Do It Heartily, As to The Lord, N Not For Men. Doing Your Best N Leaving The Rest To God Is Very Important..

That is what she tell me when I was crying. Thx 4 being with me when I really need sumone. Thank u so much… That time, I really want to end up my life…but thx to all d support frm my frenz. After I calm down myself, I went to see d fail list. I thought I will fail Law only. But instead of 1 subject, I failed Drama also. Im really shock that time. I really din expect that…I nvr even expect I will fail. I thought I will get C for Law only. It was like the end to me. It’s really hard 4 me to accept it and I cried again. After that, we hv Cik Noor’s class. That time, I really dun hv mood to listen what she say. Well, she let us go off early as she has sore throat plus we dun hv d mood. B4 she left, she encourage us to be strong…she even say tomorrow is a new day. Thx Cik Noor… Then, I sms a fren of mine…I really need her that time so I sms her but she juz reply me: Why? That’s all…Im so sad, really disappointed.  I want to be alone that time. When everyone left, I went to Block A and see the results again. I dunno y I wanna see it again…I feel the pain deep inside my heart. Im really really sad. Thx to Ms. Liew 4 willing to listen and accompany me that time…She looked at me 4 a very long time and that time I was speechless, she asked: u juz cried rite? I juz nod my head…feel like crying again but hold back my tears. Thx 4 encouraging, giving advices and sharing her experience with me. I feel better then but still can’t forget what had happen. Jane said Im tougher than b4…I promise I will be tough rite? I shud keep my promise.. Im really sad and hurt when my dad say what I’ve passed are those I do not need to study and those I fail is because I do not study. Im so sad when I heard this. I really study very hard…If I din study and I fail, I will sure blame myself and I wont cry everytime when I think about it. But I really study. I really did study…I really do need support frm my family to let me go on. Y muz compare me with d others? Y? It means a lot to me if my dad told me not to giv up..U can do it!!! But what they told me had make my heart broken. It takes a long time 4 me to recover… I really need some time. Even though I recover, it will become a scar in my heart which will remains forever in my heart. Tears will roll down frm my eyes everytime I think of it. Anyway, I really want to thx to those who be there 4 me, console me when I really need sumone…I really appreciate that. Thank u so much. I promise I will hang on…Life still goes on 4 me… I think it is the longest post 4 me to express my sadness and it is also the 1st time which I cried 4 so many times in my life. ~Tears that nvr end~

Well, semester 3 will begins on Monday and I hv to start my study life again. Some of my frenz will be going back tomolo but of coz I’ll be goin back on Monday la. haha…coz my class juz starts at 2pm. Cant believe my semester holiday will end tomolo. Can’t watch my favourite programmes dy…sob..sob.. Time really flies!!! Soon I will be finishing my 1st year of diploma after semester 3…That day, my dad ask me when is the results out again? See whether u get 3.8 a not? I was like huh!!! OMG!!! Of coz I can’t…Dun mention about 3.8, I dun know I can even get 3.0 a not. Oh gosh!!! Gonna faint now. haiz.. Hope for the best and pray that I did well. He even ask me whether I want to study Advance Diploma or Degree…erm…I haven think that yet…maybe later I must really consider about it. A new semester is goin to begin soon…and I juz read Rhea’s blog, who has highlighted her hair. I wonder what colour? Is it my favourite colour? haha… Can’t wait to meet all my frenz…hehe…See ya guys on Monday!!!

Holidays goin to end soon. Sigh…time flies!!! Goin to miss all my tvb dramas dy. *sob..sob..* Still got few more days of holidays. Enjoy to the fullest.:) Muahaha…Well, the proce of petrol has been increased again and has increased to 30 cents per litre. Pity those who alwiz travel…For example, students and lecturers who travel everyday frm ipoh to kampar(KTAR). Haiz… Yesterday, a fren called me..hehe…chat quite long with him. He likes to joke a lot..the whole conversation makes me laugh non-stop. lol. It’s been quite a long time I nvr chat wif him. Wish him all d best in exams n hope to see him soon.